Monday, July 30, 2012
Which First? Book, Movie, or Remake?
I've finally cracked the code. When faced with a movie based on a book, which do you consume first? The Answer: movie. ALWAYS the movie. Why? Because it is inferior. But what if there's a remake as well? Tonight, I've finally cracked the code. If you have to take one thing from this article let it be this: For the safest journey of maximum enjoyment, start with the most inferior and work your way up.
I still want to watch "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo", but until tonight, I haven't known whether to start with the book, the original Swedish version, or David Fincher's American remake. Remakes are generally inferior, so I should start with that. It was David Fincher's amazingly deft directing style that has allowed me to believe it may be superior than the foreign version. But the safest way (i.e. maximizing the least disappointment) is starting with the remake. THEN I should watch the original. Then, if I have time, I will read the book. If I put one of these steps out of order, the superior will be the one to always fall back on. For a book, your imagination's cinematographer, director, and actors will always be better than your average blockbuster (typically speaking), and you are given the time to explore details the movie would never have the time for. That's why you save the book for last. Otherwise, you can join the echoing cliche of the multitudes: "Oh, the book was SO much better."
Monday, February 27, 2012
All of what I've seen in 2011
I would love to give an in-depth review of all the movies I saw last year. Unfortunately, I'm still in the middle of a move and have much to do, so the list below will have to suffice. I have ranked them according to both how much I enjoyed watching these movies and how much I want to see them again. Here are all 22 movies I saw from 2011 (so far):
A:
1. Moneyball - Superb underdog story. Jonah Hill sells it.
2. Bridesmaids - Kristen Wiig at her finest.
3. The Artist - One of the most delightful movies I've seen in years.
4. Thor - Probably more of a guilty pleasure. I really had a lot of fun.
5. Tree of Life - The Waco, TX stuff with Brad Pitt is genius.
6. Super 8 - Loved every minute of this 80s homage but pretty forgettable.
B:
7. The Muppets - Fun from the beginning to end but not a lot of substance.
8. Life In A Day - Really captures the heart of a human on the planet.
9. Captain America: The First Avenger - Lots of spectacle and action.
10. X-Men: First Class - A lot of fun but too many stories are trying to be told.
11. Source Code - Flawed but really fun sci-fi film.
12. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 - Very well done but I'm not a big HP fan.
C:
13. Rise of the Planet of the Apes - Monkey movie with some fun action.
14. Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon - Greatest spectacle of the year with little else.
15. Green Lantern - Character development is very flawed. A sequel will be better.
16. Conan O'Brien Can't Stop - Insightful and funny documentary on a workaholic-egomaniac with a heart of gold.
17. Paul - Deserves more recognition for the talent involved but pretty much fizzles out.
D:
18. Cowboys & Aliens - Yep. That's exactly what that was.
19. Sucker Punch - Best visuals of the year. So many flaws elsewhere.
20. Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 - No comment.
21. Rango - Something about Gore Verbinski's style rubs me the wrong way.
22. Water For Elephants - Chick flick that wasn't horrible.
I still have MANY more movies that I WILL see. Most notable titles include "Drive", "50/50", "The Descendants", "Hugo", "Young Adult", "Sherlock Holmes 2", "Paradise Lost 3", "A Separation", "The Help", and "Midnight In Paris".
A:
1. Moneyball - Superb underdog story. Jonah Hill sells it.
2. Bridesmaids - Kristen Wiig at her finest.
3. The Artist - One of the most delightful movies I've seen in years.
4. Thor - Probably more of a guilty pleasure. I really had a lot of fun.
5. Tree of Life - The Waco, TX stuff with Brad Pitt is genius.
6. Super 8 - Loved every minute of this 80s homage but pretty forgettable.
B:
7. The Muppets - Fun from the beginning to end but not a lot of substance.
8. Life In A Day - Really captures the heart of a human on the planet.
9. Captain America: The First Avenger - Lots of spectacle and action.
10. X-Men: First Class - A lot of fun but too many stories are trying to be told.
11. Source Code - Flawed but really fun sci-fi film.
12. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 - Very well done but I'm not a big HP fan.
C:
13. Rise of the Planet of the Apes - Monkey movie with some fun action.
14. Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon - Greatest spectacle of the year with little else.
15. Green Lantern - Character development is very flawed. A sequel will be better.
16. Conan O'Brien Can't Stop - Insightful and funny documentary on a workaholic-egomaniac with a heart of gold.
17. Paul - Deserves more recognition for the talent involved but pretty much fizzles out.
D:
18. Cowboys & Aliens - Yep. That's exactly what that was.
19. Sucker Punch - Best visuals of the year. So many flaws elsewhere.
20. Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 - No comment.
21. Rango - Something about Gore Verbinski's style rubs me the wrong way.
22. Water For Elephants - Chick flick that wasn't horrible.
I still have MANY more movies that I WILL see. Most notable titles include "Drive", "50/50", "The Descendants", "Hugo", "Young Adult", "Sherlock Holmes 2", "Paradise Lost 3", "A Separation", "The Help", and "Midnight In Paris".
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
This SHOULD be a movie!
Today, I read one of the funniest things I've ever read. It comes from Reddit user RubyRhod. I'll let him tell his story (Warning: NSFL):
"When a kid is being a brat in a noisy and public area, I casually get close to them and fart on their head/face. I'm really tall so it's usually a direct hit."
"It's funniest when the kid notices and doesn't know what to do because I'm a fucking giant and I'LL EAT THEM IF THEY TELL THEIR MOMMY."
"If I decide to stare it's usually with a, "Yeah, what the fuck are you gonna do about it?" look.
I'm about 6'7'' so even when I'm just trying to be friendly (i.e. not farting on a stanger kid's head) and meeting a family member's or friend's kid for the first time, I've noticed they get very 'hide between their mother's legs' intimidated on sight if I'm not sitting down. So it's not hard for me to silence/intimidate a child, especially when I'm trying to.
However, a few times I've been called out. One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk (and no, we never finished playing the whole game). This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little shit in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."
I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge fucking G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle (which pissed me off even more considering how awful that movie was. BUY SOME GOOD TOYS!) "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.
At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!
I inch a bit closer to my prey, inspecting some wrestling toys and pondering the weird homoeroticness of the whole 'sport' in general. The kid shouts "FUCK YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, motherfucker.
I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. His head is down, getting frustrated with those god damn twisty tie things, and I go for the kill. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my ass is INCHES away from this kids head.
Now, generally speaking, the best way to go about this is to act casual, drop your belly bomb, then walk away after a few seconds like nothing is out of the ordinary. I usually go one aisle over and listen to the kid's reaction in delight. However, today I couldn't help myself. I have my head tilted back looking at this kid out of the corner of my eye, to ensure accuracy.
I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.
The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an ass now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.
The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death. I had positioned myself well on the higher ground, free to escape or relent at any time and him, poor and immobilized: biding his time until the cruel attack was over. Obviously, this child needed to re-read Sun Tzu.
In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.
When finished with my bidness (i.e. forcing a little boy to huff my farts), there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.
I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. On '2 alligator,' the only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.
She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh. I put the toy back on a middle shelf, turn around, give a final nonchalant looksy and then begin to take my exit.
Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I could feel him pointing at me but I continued to act like I was just browsing. I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:
"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"
I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.
"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"
Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."
"On my son?"
"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"
"Why did you fart on my son?"
At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. Fuck you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten asshole to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."
The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. I look up to see the black orb of security cameras and all the stories on reddit about unjustly having to register as a sex offender flash before my eyes. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can while dialing my friend. Like a true friend, he is right out front with the engine running and Risk in the trunk.
We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:
"Do you do that a lot?"
"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."
We both knew I was lying. We got to our other friends house, played risk until 4 in the morning while drinking scotch. Overall, I would say it was a preeeetay preeeeetay good day."
Originally from from this link found here.
"When a kid is being a brat in a noisy and public area, I casually get close to them and fart on their head/face. I'm really tall so it's usually a direct hit."
"It's funniest when the kid notices and doesn't know what to do because I'm a fucking giant and I'LL EAT THEM IF THEY TELL THEIR MOMMY."
"If I decide to stare it's usually with a, "Yeah, what the fuck are you gonna do about it?" look.
I'm about 6'7'' so even when I'm just trying to be friendly (i.e. not farting on a stanger kid's head) and meeting a family member's or friend's kid for the first time, I've noticed they get very 'hide between their mother's legs' intimidated on sight if I'm not sitting down. So it's not hard for me to silence/intimidate a child, especially when I'm trying to.
However, a few times I've been called out. One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk (and no, we never finished playing the whole game). This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little shit in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."
I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge fucking G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle (which pissed me off even more considering how awful that movie was. BUY SOME GOOD TOYS!) "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.
At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!
I inch a bit closer to my prey, inspecting some wrestling toys and pondering the weird homoeroticness of the whole 'sport' in general. The kid shouts "FUCK YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, motherfucker.
I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. His head is down, getting frustrated with those god damn twisty tie things, and I go for the kill. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my ass is INCHES away from this kids head.
Now, generally speaking, the best way to go about this is to act casual, drop your belly bomb, then walk away after a few seconds like nothing is out of the ordinary. I usually go one aisle over and listen to the kid's reaction in delight. However, today I couldn't help myself. I have my head tilted back looking at this kid out of the corner of my eye, to ensure accuracy.
I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.
The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an ass now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.
The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death. I had positioned myself well on the higher ground, free to escape or relent at any time and him, poor and immobilized: biding his time until the cruel attack was over. Obviously, this child needed to re-read Sun Tzu.
In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.
When finished with my bidness (i.e. forcing a little boy to huff my farts), there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.
I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. On '2 alligator,' the only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.
She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh. I put the toy back on a middle shelf, turn around, give a final nonchalant looksy and then begin to take my exit.
Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I could feel him pointing at me but I continued to act like I was just browsing. I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:
"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"
I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.
"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"
Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."
"On my son?"
"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"
"Why did you fart on my son?"
At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. Fuck you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten asshole to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."
The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. I look up to see the black orb of security cameras and all the stories on reddit about unjustly having to register as a sex offender flash before my eyes. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can while dialing my friend. Like a true friend, he is right out front with the engine running and Risk in the trunk.
We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:
"Do you do that a lot?"
"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."
We both knew I was lying. We got to our other friends house, played risk until 4 in the morning while drinking scotch. Overall, I would say it was a preeeetay preeeeetay good day."
Originally from from this link found here.
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